Dear Lior,
I've always wondered what went wrong with my parents' marriage and if I could have done something to change it. It's terrible feeling this way because as children, I don't think it was ever a responsibility to keep their parents' marriage intact. But I still feel like I am somehow responsible for it, being the eldest and all. I feel like I should have said something when I noticed that things were getting strange. I should have told dad. I should have talked to mom. I should have said something to my sisters. But what was a 17-year-old supposed to do, really?
I realised that my parents should have talked to each other better. They should have tried sorting things out as soon as it was happening, and not when it was too late. I could recall the days when dad was trying to fix everything; marriage counseling, flowers, gifts, some more doctors, some more gifts. But nothing could have changed the inevitable separation, not even the four of us down on our knees begging. She left.
I understand now why she had to do it but it still feels very sad to me when the thought of it brushes my mind. Especially when I think had they shared better conversations together, it could have been prevented. I wish mom told dad if she was disappointed in him. I wish mom never tolerated the things she didn't like. I wish dad did the same.
Most days I wonder how people go from marrying someone and promising the end of their days together to annulment papers?
It still gets me, Lior. Like right now. I know that I should stop mourning for their marriage because regardless of how depressing it all turned out to be, we all learned something. Although I will have to admit that it felt like something twitched inside of me so terribly that it made me so different - I vowed never to tolerate the things I do not like and to tell upfront whatever I am feeling.
I am trying to be what my parents weren't, hoping that what happened to them won't happen to me. And if it means not ever getting married, then it's something I have prepared myself for.
I wish you'll never have to suffer what I am feeling.
I wish you'll never feel like it is on your shoulders to fix a relationship that isn't yours.
I wish you know that you can always talk to me.
You're everything.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Ours is the relationship that will never change.
Always,
Mama
