Dear Lior,
It's the 14th of February which means it's Valentine's Day yet again. I never really enjoyed the day. I guess I was never wired to be a romantic that way. But now that I am spending it alone, it makes me very very sad. I don't know if this holds any weight now you're reading this yourself, I hope not because I hope things are better then. But just wanted you to know, that in the last eight years, this is the only Valentine's I am ever going to spend sadly.
I don't appreciate the day but having flowers go around and chocolates in heart-shapes boxes with long letters, I felt the sudden need to spend it. With your papa, no other less. Because for the past years, he always had something under his sleeve. A date, usually just conversation over drinks and good food. We've gotten so used to the presence of each other that Valentine's are only treasured lightly.
I'm funny. I hate myself sometimes. I constantly write to you telling you how powerful you are alone and here I am grieving over an 8-year old relationship. I've told you I didn't want marriage. I've told you that it's okay to be alone, that it's okay to love yourself first and now that I am experiencing the tragedy, it all just seem cliche to me.
I guess, I just never really thought that it would come to this.
I never had to walk through my darkness alone. There was always him by my side to cheer on, to guide, to listen, to laugh, and now I have to learn how to walk by myself. I think you'd know this later on that there is something so comforting on just having someone at the end of the day to just....be ears and arms when you needed a hug. And on most days, he was both. So when you have someone like that, try your best.
One day, this pain will make sense. Hopefully, it's sooner that I expected because I'm shit spoiling my vibe at work with this overrated sadness. I love you, Lior. Sorry if I fuck things up. You have to know, too, that you outweight any pain but I have to go through this so I don't cheat the process.
I love you, always. I'll be okay.
Mama
