Dear Lior,
You do not deserve a mother such as I.
I wasn't ready when I had you. No one at 19 ever is.
But I try. I'm trying.
I'm in the industry where the hours are as tough as people saving lives. But we're no saviours. There are no lives lost if we go home early, nor saved if we do not. It's just pure passion. No one can really stay long in advertising if not for the love and passion to create something beautiful. I am so in love with it, Lior. It's one of the things I wish you'll find one day.
But working in this industry also made it harder to be a hands-on mother.
It has been tough catching you awake when I get home. I try to leave early but the traffic still will not let me come home to you before you end your day. It hurts me so badly. I don't want to fuck you up because of my absence. You do not deserve that.
On mornings, I make it a point to share a breakfast with you before I go. Two pumps of seretide, your maintenance montelukas, milk, vitamins, and a good breakfast - usually of your choice. Most days, you like pancakes and know the recipe already. You push the chair towards the fridge so that your small self can reach the instant pancake box. You take a bowl and ask me how many eggs we need. I remind you every time it's just one. You crack the egg and laugh when it does. Your innocence is absolutely beautiful. We pour the milk and mix it all together. You always insist to do it and most of the batter splashes out. You laugh when it does. You're adorable. I cook your pancake in minimum heat to make sure there are no toasted sides. Then I draw you a smiley face with the maple syrup. You ask me, "Mama, is that a happy face?" to which I reply, "Yes, Lior. Just like you."
Everything I touch, I break.
I just have that tendency.
I always fuck things up, Lior. But I pray that you will never be one of them. I am so sorry already. I am so sorry. You deserve a better mother. One that can leave work behind to care for you - to watch you everyday, to wait for you to come home, to cook you endless Sinigang. I do not know if I can ever give you that. I will try. I will try.
I love you so much, Cheng. More than all my words combined. I hope you know that and that there would never be a reason for you to doubt it.
Louisse
