Dear (alternate-universe) you,
I have so many questions. But the only one I will ever need an answer for is this: why did you have to go?
Why weren't we enough? We were happy, weren't we? Wasn't coming home to us that irrelevant to your pain that you had to seek shelter somewhere else?
In this life, is it always going to be our fault?
I don't think I've forgiven her for leaving. But I guess it would have driven me crazy if I didn't even try to understand. Maybe because she had to. Maybe it was because she was trying to save herself.
But what's your excuse? We all know you left not because of her. But because of the same, conflicting pain you still very much have -- much as we try to fill in the void.
And we did try.
I remember it vividly. The first few dinners and celebrations without her were tough. But we did manage. We tried to fill the woman-shaped void through movies and lunch outs. And we all tried really, really hard. We tried our hardest not to notice the ghost sitting with us on the dinner table. I think it was a victory when the awkward silence turned to laughter and jokes. It was beautiful.
Then you let one single person change everything.
Not that I blame you for looking after your own happiness. But you have to know that the very reason you wanted her around was also the same reason you pushed us out. No parent should ever do that to his kids. Especially if that parent had great potential like you.
I am not saying that we did not appreciate you holding our hands as you tried to keep the boat afloat when the storm was raging. But I wish you loved us enough to wait until we were all docked.
Instead, you jumped ship the moment you saw dry land. Because you thought any opportunity for warmth is better. Even at the expense of us.
I think my learning from this is: I am going to be a much, much better parent than you ever were.
There will be absolutely no one before my son.
Thank you for teaching me that in the hardest, cruelest, most painful way possible.
Louisse
