When I was in college, I really wanted to hone my writing skills. That's why when the opportunity presented itself, I tried to get in on the official school paper. And I did get in.
I actually got to write the center page piece :)
Thought I should share with you --
Be Patient. You Are Healing
They say there is always time for everything. And as I leave the school I have spent more years
than I would have wanted to, I realized that it is time; to be easy on myself and to finally forgive
myself.
For feeling inadequate and not graduating on time.
For recognizing love and abusing it.
For leaving and yet knowing that I should have stayed.
For compromising myself for others and thinking I wasn't enough.
For not figuring it out and accusing myself.
For letting myself down and keeping silent when all I wanted was shout.
For hesitating when I should have leapt.
For all the injustices I have let slide.
For the decisions I didn't think through.
And lastly, for all the people I could not have saved. Myself included.
Why? Because it is only until then that healings starts.
While most of my friends wore pride with their toga, I was out home nursing my newborn. I
mourned so silently I made sure not another soul could have heard my sadness. And as I
glanced over their uploaded photos with their great big smiles, I thought that I should have
been celebrating with them. We should have been hunting for jobs together, and celebrating
our first pays together. Yet, I was home, half-awake doing things you would not have wanted
your 19-year old friend see doing. It was frustrating. I had to admit it. I got so angry at myself
for not being the person I've always thought of becoming. I thought my life ended when his
started.
I forgive myself.
I named him after the light because everything before him was just darkness. It was pitch black.
Somehow I clung on to the idea that someone should save me, instead of me saving myself.
Everything was chaos: My parents’ separation a week after I turned 18. My mom leaving. My
dad drowning in sadness. My sister wanting to end her life. And Psychology commanding me to
pack my bags.
I forgive myself.
It was the perfect equation for a person to have spiraled downwards. Somehow, I guess I did. I
found relief in a person that should have been myself, sought escape in the form of a boy
promising me that there will be better days than this. I didn't know that his better days meant a
swollen bell, back aches and endless cravings.
I forgive myself.
Whenever people know that I have a toddler now, the first they ever ask of me is how I ever
had the guts to tell my parents. It was every parents’ nightmares. I belong to the group which
you tell your children not to ever be. And to this day, telling them still is the hardest thing I ever
had to in my life. My mom just left the house after realizing that there were no room for two
men in her heart. Someone had to step out so she opened the door for my dad. I don't know
how dad held everything together but with all of his might he did. Which is why when I had to
tell him I could not enroll for the coming academic year because I was sick and sleepy and
always hungry and carrying a tiny boy, I thought anything else could have been better than the
silence he replied as I sobbed. We sat there together figuring out how life will go on forward. I
didn't know myself, all I ever knew was that I already loved this child more than I did all my
futures combined. Four years after, and even a hundred years more, it will always remain true.
I forgive myself.
A year after giving birth, I had to go back to school and figure out how I to go on after
Psychology. I was back in step one. Everything feels like crumbling down towards me. It felt like
the whole universe angry, conspiring and testing me. I did not know then, of course but
unbeknownst to me, I was entering the arms of a family I've never thought I would ever find
comfort in. The whole Fine Arts department is easily one of the best things that has happened
in my life. The warmth they radiate and the arm out stretched welcoming me home was the
jumpstart I needed to get back on my feet. When life consistently knocks you down, it was a
blessing to have people you expected the least from to help you back up. It was terrifying at
first because much as I love beautiful things, I never really had the talent to make them. Which
is why my first plate was something to be compared with a plain good old garbage. And in a sea
of creative, amazing people I was and felt very much like my first plate.
I forgive myself.
A few months later, I have finally gotten the grip and was on the same pace as with my
classmates. One afternoon, as I looked on the eyes of my son, something flickered in me -
somehow it just dawned upon me that a tiny person was depending on me already. He needs
me to do better so I could provide for him better. From that day forward, I exerted twice as
much effort as I normally would. I practised better free hand drawing, took online watercolour
classes, watched a ton of Youtube videos about Photoshop, and successfully applied as an
intern at two of the most famous advertising agencies in the world: J. Walter Thompson and
Ogilvy.
As we speak, I am currently a copywriter trainee at my dream advertising agency: BBDO
Guerrero.
With the things I have accomplished the past few years, months even, I have surprised myself. I wish I took the same effort when I was in Psychology but as I grew to love and breathe Fine Arts, somehow I felt happy I was gone and that I could pursue something I am completely head over heels in love with: advertising.
I forgave myself.
And before I finally leave the halls of the school I have spent many years sheltered in, I wanted
to share my story to everyone; to inspire and to tell that when you feel like life is putting you
down, take however long you need as long as you’re going to come back up.
You can do this.
We can do this. And please, do not ever find comfort in arms that aren't your own. If you need
anything to put all your love in, make it your craft. Be really good at what you want to do. Put
all of your effort on it. I was wrong to have searched for love in all the wrong places but I have
no regrets because it perfectly landed me to meeting the very best love of my life, my Lior.
We are the battles we have won in this life. And these are mine. I wear my battle scars proudly
as decoration to remind myself that there is nothing in this world I cannot do. But for me to be
able to heal, the very first thing I ever had to do is to forgive myself for not being who I thought
you would have been at this point. As you also should. Don't worry, your eight-year old self is not
angry at you, she's proud because you're still here and you're fighting and maybe it's a long way
to go but progress is progress regardless of how minute you might consider it.
I still have bad days but I know that no one but myself will ever save me. I still let myself feel
bad every now and then but I make sure to try my hardest to get out of that sadness. So please,
get up from where you are. Do not wait for a hero to come save you. Be your own hero. Rise
up. Let us all rise up and lift our chins and remember: we are women, we are strong and there
is absolutely nothing in this world we cannot conquer.
