Dear Lior,
Everything clicks.
When your normal is your high, everything else feels like a low.
It has been like that with me for the longest time. I just never knew it. I had to suffer something that remained nameless. Until earlier this week.
Mama is diagnosed with Bipolar. It took me a while to muster up the courage and admit that I do need help.
I finally see and understand the bigger picture now—
My weird impulses weren't just something made out of a whim. It was an imbalance.
The imbalance that led me to dye my hair blue and pink and silver in three months.
The imbalance that made me get three tattoos (two made on the same day) over the last six months.
The imbalance that made lose 20kg over eight months.
The imbalance that rendered me paralyzed, stuck in bed and in my head.
The imbalance that made me cry helplessly out of the blue.
It was extremely difficult, my Lior. I'm sure you've witnessed a thing or two of mama being juggling her highs and lows — and for that, I'd like to say sorry. You deserve a mom with brain chemicals that aren't always at war.
But things will be better now, and if you were to ask me what made me do it.
It's you. It has always been you.
I have magic pills now that will help stabilize the imbalances and make the monsters go away.
Things are going to be okay :)
Don't worry. I can do this. I'm a strong girl, after all.
I love you more than anything, Cheng.
Always,
Mama
