I'm so sad right now and I cannot even tell anyone. I think I want to tell you but regardless of what language I use, there's no way in hell you'd be able to understand. You know, Lior, I'm a pretty intimate person. I hardly let anyone know anything, maybe it's the reason why your father is such a gem to me because he's my best friend. I don't think if I'd ever trust anyone that much again, I hope there'd be no need to.
I'd tell you a secret though. I'd tell you my worst fear aside from death. Love, I think one of my greatest fears is knowing that I'd fail so much as a parent, that when you're given a chance to choose another one you'd choose anyone else but me. I think I would rather die a slow death than hear that from you because you are my biggest blessing and everything I do is for you and knowing that I only failed in the end makes everything futile.
There are days that I let the smallest things get to me and it's hard because I need motivation to do my plates and right now, I have been staring at the monitor and my open PSD file for an hour and nothing. I could hardly count the days I feel this and when I do, it hits me hard. I hate it. I wish you don't get days like this. Or whenever you do, you'd tell me so we can go out and eat, eat, eat until you feel better. I don't know how I'd feel better though. I think I just need rest. Or food. Or coffee. Or music. Or the things that are lacking in my life. I love you, Lior. I love you so much. I hope you never ever doubt that. I hope you tell me things that bothers you and I hope I can sort it out. I hope you grow to be everything you've ever wanted to be and I hope I get to watch you be that.
And I hope you know you've saved me.
You're saving me.
Thank you.
Love always,
Mama
