Dear Lior,
Prior to the entire overhaul the family received, I grew up with a strict dad. He hardly ever lets any of us go out. And if ever lets us, he'd impose a strict curfew - that perfect moment where everyone's jsut about to arrive and actually enjoy, I was already out the door waiting for him. I know the hazards he was trying to avoid by instilling discipline. But I do not believe in it. Locking up your child because of your own demons doesn't work. Obviously.
Being in a relationship didn't help a lot too. Especially when you're fresh out of high school. I spent most of my weekends hanging out with your father. He was my partner at every party. He drove me to and from the house. Eight years. I skipped out on all the other things usual teenagers had the privilege of experiencing. And right at that very moment, I was so sure that protecting our holy relationship meant more than any epic moment I am going to miss out on. Nothing will ever worth that much.
But you.
Getting pregnant at 19 is not something I am proud of. Surviving it is. While most were out shopping for a nice dress, I was saving for baby onesies. While they were dressing up, I was changing nappies. As they collect group photos in skimpy outfit, I was waiting for your first smile.
I have days where I carefully calculate in my head all the momentous milestones I am missing out on. There's this feeling that I am constantly a prisoner of something. Like I was never free to do anything. I hope you never feel this. You deserve to enjoy the things you want. I hope I give them to you.
I think I only wrote this to vent. I wanted to be open to you as much as I possibly can. But I hope you don't get offended in the process.
Just remember, I regret nothing.
You are and forever will be my greatest treasure.
I'm just a bit sad today. I don't know why.
You're everything to me, my Lior Matthan.
I love you more than all the worlds combined.
Always, Mama
