Dear Lior,
This is my Loneliness Project.
There is great courage in admitting your sad, to have such audacity to know and battle your own demons. Cry for a while. Find your inner peace. Understand the situation.
Then rise.
--
Mama, age 25.
To me, loneliness means //
Having to tell yourself that you should be happy but feeling otherwise. Knowing there's a void. Not knowing what to fill the void. Feeling like you're easily forgettable. Waiting for something you're not even sure of. Being scared to risk something you feel like will make you happy. Coming into terms with something you cannot understand. Understanding something and not coming into terms with it. Holding on to someone that doesn't want to be held. Holding on to someone that deserves to be let go. Wanting to run away. Finding solitude on the bottom of your drink. Thinking substance abuse can help. Tracing back where you went wrong. Unfinding connections. Hoping you can shake it off. Trying to shake it off. Knowing that you cannot.
One of the first times I realised I was lonely //
The very second I realised nothing is ever going to be enough.
When I felt most lonely //
As much as possible, we visit Nanay's house every week. She cooks something so delicious, that the moment you swing the screen door open, it hits you. Most days it's pansit, or sometimes this nameless beef meal she makes that tastes a lot like Sinigang, or her signature mechado. It's always something and always good food. Her cooking is the tradition that holds everyone together.
One bad day, panic came over me. As I was surrounded with nothing but laughter and stories, I thought to myself that one day, this will be all over. Las Pinas would be another place I never would want to step in to. The smell of the house would be nothing but a sad memory. I bring myself to a dark place when I think about this. I shiver to the thought of it.
--
I thought I should share this with you. I hope I will never invalidate your loneliness. I hope you come to me when you are. I hope I can cure it.
I love you so much, Cheng.
You keep me afloat, you bring me light.
Always, Mama
